in limbo

So many changes are going on around here!

First of all, i was supposed to have my trial on Monday, finally, for the civil case for the car accident i was in, back in 2005. Someone hit me in a rear-end accident and I messed up my neck and then their insurance wouldn't pay even though she was at fault, so I had to sue. What ended up happening is that the court had scheduled a bunch of trials at the same time as ours, and evidently they do this since a high percentage of cases settle. One trial was still going on, though, and using the courtroom at the same time. Then they were supposed to have us go tomorrow instead but that didn't happen. Then next week the court is closed, the week after, the other side has a trial, and it ended up being rescheduled for 7/21. So, I'm supposed to "relax" and all that crap, and not think about it much, but yet not forget all of the things I'm supposed to remember! And it was over 3 years ago, soI had to do a lot of refreshing my memory by reading my medical records & bills. And we had to do a lot of arranging for Ryan to take time off from his new job to be with Lauren, and my mom to come up to watch her, etc. Not to mention, of course our own time is valuable but we have witnesses who need to be rescheduled who twice cleared their calendars needlessly for this case and now must do it again.
So, that's going on and is still not settled or finished yet. Lots of tension and worrying and anxiety. I still hadn't picked what I was going to wear yet, even, to testify. Jenna came over and helped me with some outfits which were suit type stuff but then I was advised that they were too dressy and I needed to be "oh, look like yourself, if you were getting a little dressed up and, say, going out with friends, but nothing too flashy or low cut or bright colors". Everything feels like a homework assignment!

The other big thing is that Lauren finally FINALLY got in to daycare and will start on Monday, July 7. She will be going 3 mornings a week to start. We've been to visit the school a few times now and she gets very excited about it and has a great time. Yesterday morning we went, and while I was filling out paperwork in the office, she played outside in the playyard and told me "I played! With kids! And a nice lady read me a Clifford book. But there wasn't any pizza." The previous time we'd visited, they were serving pizza for lunch. After that she called it "the pizza school". Sadly for her, it's not pizza every day.

Lauren and I have been sick, and actually I was worried about it because I lost my voice over the weekend and was wondering how I would be able to speak in court audibly. We're both feeling much better, no more fever, but still getting coughing fits and tiring more easily. Well, I tire more easily. Lauren cranks more easily.

Ryan started his new job in Santa Monica last week (can it only have been last week?! feels like forever ago!) and is loving the 6 mile commute each way instead of the 17 mile one, but missing his old office routine a bit.

We of course, all still miss Jake. His ashes came via Fedex, which I find funny because he used to always bark and snarl at the FedEx man. He would have hated to be carried by that guy! I couldn't figure out what to do with his ashes so I put the box in the kitchen, right where his kennel used to be, and I felt better to have him where he belonged. Then I moved it, it looked silly there so now it's on top of the bookshelf.

I'm doing much better about my grief. Crying so much the first few days after he died helped me process it. Of course, I'm still sad and will always miss him but it's not a sharp gut-wrenching, tear-jerking kind of missing him, it's more of a nostalgic, wistful missing him. We have sad little moments, like when his friend Cooks (a collie) came bounding up the steps to look for Jake to play, while Lauren & I were in the front yard where Jake usually accompanied us. I had to explain to his owner what happened. And we still think we see Jake out of the corner of our eye, or go to stand up and feel afraid we'll step on him (he used to curl up right by my feet).

We've also noticed that the kitchen floor is a lot dirtier without our busboy dog to catch table scraps! And we have more birds now, and bolder squirrels who come right up to the patio glass and bury peanuts in my plants. I donated a giant 40 pound bag of dog food we bought last month, to the rescue group where we got him, and I dispersed treats to his neighborhood dog friends. Cooks the dog got a bunch of chicken strips and Pongo got vitamins and chew bones.

Anyway, we are hanging in here, now you're caught up!