i love her but...

it is getting really boring being home all day with the little girl. i'm really missing work. i wish i could return from maternity leave early, part time right now so i would have something interesting to do and some adults to interact with and something to challenge my brain. it's hard because the baby doesn't even smile yet so she's pretty much either eating, sleeping, or looking at me with a vaguely annoyed expression. i feel like i don't know what she wants beyond that, if i am supposed to be teaching her things then i don't know what she's even absorbing. she is too young to play with any baby toys yet and she won't sit through a whole book yet.

today i finally got out the baby sling and wore her in it. then she fell asleep but when she woke up and saw where she was, she got really mad and screamed. a few days ago i went to the bathroom, leaving her asleep in her basinette for a couple minutes, and when i came out she had awakened and was screaming. those are 2 of the few times i have heard her really scream in anger (the other times are in her car seat) so i guess she hates waking up in a different spot than where she fell asleep.

i feel guilty for not loving this whole being at home with the kid thing, but i just don't love it. i love HER but being around JUST her all day is not fulfilling. i'm all for attachment parenting, i just don't need to BE the attached parent. if it makes other people feel complete to stay home with their children, then they should. but for me, it is like 'groundhog day' in this endless loop of boring, wake up, feed baby, change baby, back to sleep, wake up, feed baby, change baby, make breakfast, feed dog, change baby, do dishes, feed baby, make bed, do laundry, feed baby, take shower, bathe baby, feed baby, change baby, pay bills, check email, feed baby, take out trash, fold clothes, feed baby, change baby, walk dog, make lunch, feed baby, change baby, check email, feed dog, pump while baby naps, make dinner, feed baby, change baby, etc.

i guess part of it is that in my "i'm not at work" fantasies, i am always keeping myself busy with other challenges. i'll finally teach myself PERL or i'll go out and explore new parts of the city, or reorganize my postcard collection and list some on Ebay. none of this can happen with an infant, and i can't even explain to you why it can't, except to say that babies take up soooooo much time and energy. it took me 1 hour and 45 minutes to drive to malibu on sunday night (this should take about 40) because besides the 405/101 bottleneck, there was also the Lauren Must Eat NOW screaming problem, so I had to pull over and feed her. The first time I pulled over, by the time I got off the freeway and found a secluded place, she had cried herself to sleep. She woke up half hour later when we were almost there, and i pulled over again and fed her then.