Guest Post from my Dad: Christmas Hints 1 Through 10

This is from an email my dad sent to the family:

Coming from a large family, I picked up a few helpful hints for saving money at Christmas over the years. I thought I would share them with you...

 

    1.  E-mail each of your relatives individually and tell them that we had a drawing of names for Christmas gift-giving at Thanksgiving. Then tell each one that they got your name.

 

     2.  If you are sending Christmas cards, address them to yourself and write the name of the intended recipient on the return address part of the envelope.  Then don't put a stamp on it.

It will be returned to sender for postage and you'll save a lot in postage.

 

      3.  Find a store that offers free Christmas wrapping and buy the biggest item they have.  Have it wrapped for Christmas.  When you get home, unwrap it and return the item to the store.  You will have enough wrapping paper and ribbon for all the rest of the gifts.

 

       4.  Never buy live trees until after Christmas. On Christmas morning, tell your kids or grand kids that Christmas is still a few days away.  Then go out and get a bargain on an unsold tree.

This works really well if you keep them off the phone and away from their friends for a few days before Christmas.

 

       5.  Gather the little ones and read them Santa's obituary a couple of days before Christmas. You will lower their expectations and save on toy purchases.

 

       6.  Drop subtle hints with people for a month or so before the holiday.  For example, I sign most of my e-mails to vendors and colleagues with "Jim S., shirt size 17 X 35" Or "Jim S., who uses Titleist Pro Vx golf balls." 

 

        7.  Whenever a vendor at work asks for my address to send the staff a holiday basket, I give him the name and address of a friend who I want to remember at Christmas.

I simply ask them to write "From Jim" on the card.

 

        8. To get out of assembling that big, artificial tree you store in the garage for 48 weeks out of the year, simply tell the wife that the rats got into it.  Women hate rats.  They hate to have anything in their house that is remotely associated with rats.  You won't have to spend the day putting all those color-coded branches in the stem and fluffing the boughs and spacing the lights.

 

         9.  Gather all the little kids in the house a day or so before the big night and tell them that Santa won't bring them anything unless they leave a case of Budweiser and a roast beef sandwich on rye with lettuce and mayonnaise.

 

        10.  For a really fun-filled Christmas morning, sneak downstairs the night before and switch all of the tags on the gifts.

 

      I hope these suggestions will brighten your holidays.  If not, may a sacred camel leave a holy relic under your pillow.

 

love,

Jimmy who wears size L golf shirts

 

Guest Post from my Dad: Timeshare

For the past few days I have received numerous calls about my time share.

The people on the phone knew my name and were courteous, then apologized when I told them I didn't have a time share.  They promised not to call again.

However, the calls from this management firm escalated until last night was the last straw.  I finally said "Ok, ok, I have a time share.  What can I do for you?"

The rep said she wanted to find out if I was interested in letting it go at a reduced rate this winter. 

"I guess so," I said.  "Quite honestly, I haven't had much luck getting any return on that investment."

"Would you be willing to drop it down to $1,200 a week?" she asked.

"Sure, if you want I'll drop it to $500 a week if they rent it for more than a month." I said.

"Great, we'll post that right now!"

"Good, what is the website where I can see it?" I asked.

So a Mediterranean villa time share is going at a discounted rate this winter.

 I just hope whoever rents it in December remembers to clean up when they leave.  I have rented it for the month of January. 

Guest post from my dad: 10 Things to do at Friends' Houses

For those of you who said you would really like to meet my dad, read the list below.  Maybe you want to meet at *his* place!

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You're probably not going to want to post this on your blog, but here are 10 things you can do while visiting friends' houses:

   1.  Reprogram their robotic vaccuum cleaner to go on in the middle of the night.

  2.  Stick a toothpick in their front door keyhole and break it off.

  3.  Replace the sugar in their little bowls with salt.

  4.  Place a bottle of Budweiser hidden on the top shelf of their freezer.

  5.  Tuck a sausage behind the cushion of their sofa.

  6.   Put their house up for sale on Craigslist really cheap, then ask the buyers to call late at night because you work until 11 p.m.

   7.  Print a "Quarantined" banner and tape it to the bottom of their garage door. (They'll never see it because the door is shut when they are home and only open briefly when they leave).

    8.  Turn their backwash plumbing switch on for the swimming pool and see how much water will drain out during the normal filtration cycle.

    9.   Put an open can of tuna on their engine block and close the hood.

   10.  Change the message on their answering machine to:  "You have reached the Contra Costa Sperm Bank.   To make a deposit, please press one, again, again, again, again, yes, again, again, oh baby, again, again, almost there, again."

Guest Post from my dad: Flu Shot

On Saturday, your mom and I went to Chargers' Stadium to get our flu shots.  You drive around the outer perimeter of the stadium parking lot until you come upon some tents. After you show the proper identification, they give you flu shots while you drive past.

You never get out of the car during the hour-long process ...unless you need to use the porta-lets.

You can imagine how much trouble I got into.  Halfway through the caravan, a nurse stopped us and asked

if we were here for flu shots.

"No," I said, "We thought we would get here a day early for Sunday's game."

At the next stop, the asked if we had any allergies to shots.

"Shots!" I said.  "I thought this was the Elks Club car wash."

So it went until we finally got up to the front of the line and my cell phone rang.

It was a recorded advertisement advising me that I was now eligible to have my arteries replaced under an experimental program. No really, new arteries for free!

So I stayed on the line and dutifully hit "1" when it came time to leave my name and number.

I left the name Oscar Predavaducci at 619-9004-44302.

Believe it or not, they called me again on my cell phone this morning to confirm that Oscar Predavaducci had an appointment to get artificial arteries.

I saw this once on an e-mail, but I never thought it would actully work.

I told the lady that she had reached a secure, encrypted phone for the National Transportation Safety Board and that I was investigating at the site of a downed helicopter.

"Do you know anything about this crash, ma'am?"  I asked.

"No, No!" I just called to confirm an appointment with one of our clients."

"Who would that be? I asked.

"Uh, um ... Oscar Predavaducci...I'm not sure how to spell it."

"How well did you know the late Mr. Predavaducci?" I asked.  "Did you have a recent disagreement with the victim?"

"What?  No I didn't even know him.  I just solicit names of people who would be eligible to for our services."

"And how did you get Mr. Predavaducci's private, unlisted phone number that happens to be on the "do not call list"?

"I don't know, my supervisor isn't here right now.  Would you like to call her back?"

"Let me get this straight....You called an unlisted number on the do not call list to the deceased victim of what is now shaping up to be a felony murder.  You did so, crossing state lines, which is a federal offense.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for your exact location and that you remain on the premises until our agents  can get there."

She hung up on me.

How rude can these solicitors be?